Well, March has certainly been interesting. Polar vortexes/vortices continue to dump snow on the East Coast, Stanford took Kansas, and I walked out on my job.
Yep. After a half-hour conversation with a customer about the color of her shoes (“Which do you like better, the warmer brown or the cooler brown?”) I left a note on my manager’s desk. It read, “To whom it may concern: I resign, effective immediately. Thank you for your time and consideration, Lily A.”
I couldn’t take it. I was grossed out with myself and the system I was working within because I WAS MAKING IT ALL UP. I don’t have one clue what the difference is between a “warmer” and a “cooler” brown. I was also having a much more legitimate meta-conversation with myself. Is this worth my professional energy? What will you do instead to support yourself? Are you in a position to make healthy decisions right now? I’m not sure I effectively answered those questions, but I did write that resignation note.
After, I collected my agenda and my cell phone from my department’s shelf, deposited the keys on the same, and left through the employee exit of the department store. I’d like to say that I did all of this calmly, decisively, and feeling a great sense of satisfaction. But none of that is true. As I rode the escalator down, I was dreading running into my manager. My heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest, and it was hard to breathe. I was sweating, and once I got to my car, I burst into tears for ten minutes until I stopped myself matter-of-factly and said, “You’re having an anxiety attack.” Then I resumed crying, scared because I was so anxious.
So I’m taking some time in March to describe my madness. Pulling away from my original Internally Sourced Beauty beauty blog (to resume in April), I thought it would be important to talk share my story – the moment when I cut away my safety net and started to re-imagine what stability means for me.
I’m not sure what’s next. The weird thing is, this is also the most hopeful that I’ve felt. My plan was supposed to go like this: Work at the department store while looking/interviewing for a career that matches my degree and experience, give my two weeks notice, and begin the new job. How it really played out was this: Work really strange hours with tons of overtime at the department store, be consistently too tired to even eat, and start to unravel mentally, spiritually, physically and, as a result, emotionally. Because this has been the experience so far, separating myself from that lifestyle makes me feel like there’s nowhere to go but onwards and upwards.
No guarantees that’s what’ll happen. I have an interview with a staffing agency tomorrow. I have enough savings to last for two months if I am careful. I have a pretty weak plan with no sure-bet safety net.
I have prayer. I have hope.