For the umpteenth time, the little man, who is not given to outbursts, acts out…
This time, I am not pulled or swayed by the voices around me, all saying different things…
Mike and I are both feeling weary. Not of the adventure, but in the separation…in the hardships of living life apart for months. We wonder, as anyone in our shoes would/has/does…how long? What is the purpose? Is there something we are missing?
…in the moment of acting out, I pulled him close, sent everyone else to other activities, and held him. And we cried. After saying that I know this is hard on ALL of us, but we have to help each other…we have to be there for each other, I asked him what he is most upset about right now.
Barely whispered, “Dad…”
And I cried harder.
“Buddy, I miss him, too. And he misses us.”
I have been doing a lot of autopilot, I confess. Going from one thing to the next, cleaning, preparing, mowing, straightening, while doing school and trying to retain my sanity.
No one ever said this journey would be easy. We knew that. Knowing does not always prepare you for reality.
Your faith gets put to the test in the midst of it all. Do I believe Him? Do we continue and persevere when it would be so much easier for him to pack up and head ‘home?’
It is darkest before dawn and this is not our first time around this block. We have been in this place of waiting, wondering, hoping, praying…and the simple reality is that His ways are not our ways. If I had my way, we would have sold it the first week…
But we didn’t.
If I had my way, we would be exclaiming how awesome God is, that He just moved it right along, like He has with the whole process.
But the process has not been, or felt, swift.
But He IS good.
And He IS faithful.
And He CAN be trusted.
And that has NOTHING to do with whether or not He does things MY way…
We have seen this over, and over, and over. No matter how this all feels, He is the Beginning and the End. In light of forever, these moments are so small.
I have no more answers in the waiting than the next person, but I hold to His promise of giving strength to the weary…
27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
So today, I pray for His strength, for all of us…